//|\\ tom wilk \\|//
The Death of Silverware in Enough Seconds to Make Five Minutes
-0:02
0:00
The fork was not a murderer, but he would be in five minutes. He entered the
apartment with a knife concealed in his handbag. He did not hesitate against
what he set out to do; he spent no time considering the fatherless utensils
that would surely rust after his intrusion. His heart frosted the Sahara.
"Spit shine today," he said.
Before he opened the door, he straightened his tie. He quickly climbed the stairs
of the apartment building to the sixth floor. It was a building without a buzzer,
so any common scrap metal could walk in.
0:46
The sign on the door said "NOW WE ARE SILVERWEAR." The fork narrowed his eyes at this. He placed his ear to the door and did not hear anything. He did not hear anything because forks do not have ears, auditory canals, or ear drums.
1:02
The fork entered and was puzzled by what he saw. Two spoons were on the couch
clutching matching handbags with purple flowers on them. Two knives were in
the kitchen baking lemon breads.
The fork entered with a handbag. He did not care to remove his hat or goulashes
either. And as for ringing the bell, he did not.
To spur a fit from a spoon:
1. Enter unannounced.
2. Wet the napkin rug.
3. Perform magic tricks.
"My friend, Fork, you are treading poorly upon my home…" not
finished.
"Hold there. Today I am silverwear," flashes the handbag.
"You must be kidding. You must have thought a pair of chop sticks lived
here."
1:35
The spoons were fitted, and they convexed and concaved at this.
"You will always be a utensil, fork. To the left of plate, by yourself."
"Am I or am I not late for game night?"
"You know you are late."
2:01
Flustered, he began with magic tricks. First it was the dirty queen. Then
came cops and robbers, and he finished strong with the slippery grandmother
in the tub.
When finished, Spoon was extremely irritated: magic tricks were endlessly annoying
and tricky.
For thought back to the knife he concealed in his handbag. Oh Spoon, oh Spoon,
I don't care if your father was a rusty hanger, I don't care if you don't have
a lavish embroidery on your handle.
"Why don't we do something we can all pretend to enjoy?"
"Like what? Sing Christmas carols?"
"I hate Carol."
"I cannot sing Christmas carols, silverwear does not have vocal chords
or lungs or a tongue to sing with."
"Let's do a jigsaw puzzle."
"Silverwear does not do jigsaw puzzles."
Suddenly, all the silverwear was ashamed that such an idea had been presented.
They clamored in dead silence, the loudest outburst was a faint gasp for breath.
"Can you please turn down the static electricity in here, I am begin to
cling to the rug."
2:47
Then there was a loud bell announcing that the lemon breads were done. And
there was much gayness.
"If you get lemon breads on the jigsaw puzzle pieces, it'll really mess
it up."
The knife was only of the butter variety. He was not serrated either.
"As a member of the Silver Party, I place you under cultural arrest. And
your handbag too."
"I fell into the discount bin, and we were stuck together."
"I am saving you from the trap of karmic fascism."
3:34
Fork entered his handbag and felt for his knife and eyed Spoon carefully.
"I am saving you from eternal varnishment."
"Please stop, you're beginning to spur illness in my prongs."
"I am saving you from the dynamic claws of the proverbial dishwasher."
"AAAAAAAHhHHHHH!"
Fork lunged at Spoon with his knife. Spoon's concave face went flat, he would
begin rusting soon.
There, he had done it.
The remaining utensils set upon him. The fork pleaded for a just and time effective
death. They looked at him with moderate outrage and quite nearly contemplated
how to act.
3:59
"You have shot a medium-sized hole into my already miserable, and cancerous
existence! I am sinking now!" the other spoon said.
"I am just about nearly quite getting anxious to do a jigsaw puzzle!"
"It could only have ended this way. My tragic state of social affairs is
nearly almost profitable."
"WAIT! Spoon is reviving…no, he's still dead."
In a seasonly manner, "Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer" came on the
radio.
"I am very sensitive about my handbag." Fork's last words.
He looked at the microwave, he looked at the toaster, he looked at the wall
outlet.
4:13
47 seconds on high, stand back 100 feet.
5:00